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dark clouds

recently from misunderstandings i've lost perhaps one of my best friend and perhaps an entire circle of friends? not enough? im still in a james bond situation with my life. taking high stake risks. nothing comes to fruitation yet. my company is gonna get shut down . or im gonna have to fork out more money for no fucking reason again anyway. life is in a mess. the only thing i can do is stay strong . and distract myself in the gym. these shit is affecting my work....i hope that doesnt fuck up as well. from the looks of it i probably would. damn it. well with all thats been going on. i do hope the light shines a way somehow. i want a break.

u know im beggining to hate that "there's only up from here" or life is a cycle when u hit the bottom u will climb back up . Havent i hit the bottom yet ? wow. if this isnt the bottom yet what is? I gotta keep positive still. Try my best to throw out the negative energy. I wanna ride again. I wanna look good . I wanna live for myself. That was how i built myself. I need to do it again. I need to be a better man. Evolve and get stronger,tougher,faster, smarter

Dear 25 year old me.

It's the start of the new year. It's time to change. Times have been tough i know. You've lost alot . much more than people know. but more importantly you've lost yourself. The confidence that once made people look up to you is totally gone. I know *tears fall* i know it really well. Here's me with a clear mind to remind you when you feel lost again that there is actually no reason for you to hammer yourself on the past. Stop escaping in little pleasures and stop distracting yourself just to feel better and escape reality. IT isnt going to change. Best you can do for yourself is to stop escaping. To find the peace i once had with everything where neutral was the best stand to be. There is no disappointment if you don't put yourself on a pedestal.

Dear 25 year old me, back then i know you were or you think you were ahead. A daring soul with enough to try for an adventurous step. To do many things none would dare try. To live and let lose . Yes times were good but as it get better you got comfortable with it forgetting that things don't stay good without the same effort you put. It gradually gets sour.

Life's too short to feel sorry for yourself when you can do so much more. Wake up take a breather jump into a pool, sweat off in the gym, enjoy the scenery, enjoy your company of people. Recognise the right timing and stop rushing into things you are not ready to commit to. Most of all, just don't do anything. Remember what you live for Dont ever forget your principles again. To succeed and help some1 and fulfill a bigger cause than to be noone and help so little to near nothing. As long as my hands are capable. Expand on it.

The decision i made

I needed to refocus. a reformat and to grow some balls.

I've always wondered why i can never settle for 1 thing its because the right thing is always standing right there but im to afraid of losing it i tend to look for other things and disillusion myself that the one infront of me is impossible for me. i tone myself down to settle for something else. Its the fear of losing and the fear of trying.

But yesterday i find myself unable to hold back
my mind lost restraint and my mouth decided to say it all
my heart wavers every thought my nerves tremble excited yet afraid
i finally told her how special she was. not like i never did . but with conviction and not the half jokes that was always brushed aside

I guess i never really did try hard enough.

the best lines ever.

you're too good for me. i dont deserve you.

there's alot of better girls out there. i'm not that good of a girl

so therefore they go around fooling with white trash scumbags then complain bout it .

give them what they want this is what u get for answers.

fuck this shit.

the birthday

i realise most of my posts are about friendships and relationships. well today its also pretty much the same except its about my perspective of it on my birthday. I've never once had the luxury of having a "happy birthday" with the celebrations or what nots....well not since i was 10 at least. There's always some untimely thing bout my particular time where everyone is either too busy or too broke because of other peoples birthdays? why cant i be an exception for once.
but anyway i've grown used to it. now its a game to me. to see how people are. I loveeeeeeeeeee studying human psychology its my 2nd to none past time. it beats games and music altogether. but im in no way interested to have a "guided education" in it.

birthdays are great its that once a year being a guy where your facebook is active. girls have it differently altogether. but sometimes its sad to think that most people would have plans and surprises for their birthdays i'd have people i go out with not knowing and the people i dont wishing me out of courtesy or people who dont wish you altogether or some even realising why do i have this person on my facebook and just deletes you. I notice each year on birthdays i'd have a decrease of number of friends in my friendslist. It's amazing really.
this year breaks the record tho. for the first time my thank you and how are you respond to a birthday wish was turned into a can i share with you something good (direct marketing) . now thats just brilliant.

well this year was a happy year indeed. i made quite some friends maybe lost a few . but oh well i am indeed thankful to have the friends that i have even without the presents and celebrations. afterall sometimes its just the circumstances and envy and hate only comes when you compare yourself to others. but we're all none the same so as long as things are great . they are great.

Here's to me on a Happy Birthday.....How old am i again?
We meet many people in our phases of life. And i've learnt something. You can never recover a past friendship. Who we were once close to will never be ever again. I realised this after Facebook was discovered took me awhile but i'm beginning to see a pattern.

Did you know it is more often that you get ignored by friends you were once in good terms with than with friends that you barely spoke to until recently. For example a person you barely spoke to is more likely to respond to conversations. Where else your friends who you once thought were your friends will just ignore you and eventually delete you off the list. Ironic isn't it. That your "friends" are actually not and those who you thought were not can actually be "friends"

Facebook actually created many voids in friendship. Realise how people of the past had a more sustainable friendship. The modern friends judge on what they choose to see. The internal relationship of many is long gone. There is no chemistry, no love, no passion no mumbo jumbo that people used to sing and preach about.

Life is a funny rollercoaster. Oh well as far as i can say. I have so much to offer to them "friends" but that opportunity is gone the many moments they chose to ignore me. So good luck to you in life. You're bound to see that much more failures with that attitude. Good luck.

Oh did i mention the worst pet peeves ever . Freaking iPhone users during an outing for drinks. Get your freaking hands off that phone its hard to communicate when you're on it all the time. Way to go on setting up a wall

The resurfacing loneliness

Do you sometimes get the feeling that you're all alone. And all you can do is shed tears.
Tears that you have no answer for. Tears that have nothing but the emphasis of the emptiness.
I just feel so empty. I cant explain it. It feels like there is noone around. It feels like everything is just on a noticeboard or that time just stood still. What do we do about this such situation? Is there an answer to it

Thank you for all the times we had

Thank you for being here with me till this day. Sorry to have hurt you so much by making you wait.
I'm too incomplete to handle any kind of commitment and i was blinded by the thought that i was.
Until i truly find that for myself. Here is goodbye to you . Here is goodbye to the foolish me.

The good times i've shared shall not be forgotten. For you will always be my love. Thank you for everything......and Sorry that i loved you.

Sep. 13th, 2011

Never turn your back on me. For before you know it . I would be ahead of you and all you'd see is the back of me and I wont stop to look back at you for that was all i saw you give to me.
Business sounds so easy to some people with the capital . But in reality its such a tough and harsh process. There are more players in the game than you expect. The more players the odds of someone having something better than you is higher. = higher risk for u

i need hazza fun
if things go well i will disappear to some island alone
be robinson crusoe
come back as jungleman
then oni work back
then can write epic book about it